Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
