I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
