so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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