wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize