I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
