the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
