anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
