my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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