In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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