we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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