The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
