If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
