The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
