I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
