I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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