I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
