rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
