Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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