Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize