I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
