1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
