You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
