I could make wine with my vomit
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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