The maid of honor just puked.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
