I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
