remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
