lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize