dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
