The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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