I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
this is an emotional support booty call
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
