Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
