You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
