i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
