I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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