i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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