the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
