I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
