i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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