it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
