You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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