I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
