so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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