So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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