I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
