how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
