i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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