remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
