I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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