if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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