I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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