a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
