oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
