There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
