so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
