You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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